In the past year I have done more work on my personal development than I have done through my whole life. It led me to quite a few astonishing discoveries about myself. I have unleashed my natural skills and talents but more so my ego.
When we are born, we are innocent. We have no concept of the past, no worry about the future. But in order to survive as babies, we need our mother and her nourishment. Then, when we are a little older, from about age of 1,5 year old, we notice father figure and it suddenly becomes important to get his acknowledgement. If any of those basic needs - need for nourishment or acknowledgement - is not met in one way or the other, it creates a wound in us, through which we live for our whole lives. We also create a survival mode that deals with that wound - it's called our personality or ego.
Before I was born my Mum had gone through a lot of struggles. Her stepfather was an alcoholic and she saw how badly he treated not only her but also her mum (and my grandma). So she created in her mind a belief that girls are fragile, powerless. She was terminally ill in her twenties but managed to overcome her illness. A few years later she got married and I was born. My Mum obviously really desired to have me, but was hoping for a boy because she was afraid that as a girl I would have a really hard life - just like her and her mum did. Back in those days USG scans did not exist, so gender of a baby was a complete surprise. When I popped out, my Mum started to cry that I was not a boy and how was I going to manage in this world. Result? There and then I had a negative image of feminine energy, accidentally enforced by my mum's sorrow. I created a belief that as a girl I was not good enough, not lovable and powerless. Since I was supposed to be a boy and I turned out to be a girl, I had to prove that I was worthy (to be loved) and be really strong in order to survive. My Mum gave me a lot of love and nourishment as a baby, she was loving and caring; but what I had already made up in my mind as a newborn could not be really changed.
16 months later my brother was born. I was really angry. I felt that nobody was going to love me anymore. I climbed up his cot and I tried to harm him in anger, by pulling his hair out. My Mum got frightened when she caught me and shook me shouting "what you're doing?!". From then on I have believed that I was not allowed to be angry. As a result, I suppressed the anger inside me.
My Dad, from the other hand, withdrew himself when my brother was born. He already had mental health issues which my Mum unfortunately had no idea about when she was marrying him. He hit my Mum first time after my brother's arrival. From the person who absolutely adored me, he became a tyran, someone who I couldn't recognise anymore and someone who made me scared. Yes, I became terrified of him. I couldn't trust him anymore. Because arguments between my parents often took place at night, I would hide myself under duvet from shouting and screaming. I was naturally terrified and found that hiding (under the duvet) kept me safe. The problem is, I have unconsciously been doing it throughout my whole life. I have done mediocre jobs: I never spoke out when something bothered me; when presented an opportunity to be a leader (at work, at school), I would not put myself forward. Effectively I have been unconsciously hiding, because that's what felt safe.
Years went by. I remember myself being a particularly shy and quiet child. Other children picked up on it, they didn't understand my behaviour. I was bullied throughout school, for no apparent reason. I didn't have any strange looks that someone could pick on, my speech was eloquent, my academic progress was above average. But I couldn't talk back. I held everything inside me, and was withdrawing myself and getting upset. I felt that nobody understood me. It was as if I forgot I had a voice.
At the same time I was brilliant at school. I was extremely ambitious. I thought that I had to work really hard in order to achieve anything. I remember studying for end of primary school exams and when I did not get to the highschool of my first choice, I felt defeated and depressed. I was beating myself up. Little did I know that all the hard academic work was my way to unconsciously seek for my father's attention and acknowledgement.
Growing up I created certain images of feminine and masculine energy. It obviously all is related to the relationship with my Mum and Dad in early years. And that's how I've been forming relationships with others.
I could never understand why I was so shy towards men. When I liked a guy I felt that I couldn't be with him because I was not lovable and other girls were prettier, more confident and I was invisible. Also, I always seemed to look for bad intentions in men, as if I was testing them in my mind. For many years I was single. If I found out a guy liked me, I'd run 10 miles, even though inside me I was craving a relationship.
With women from the other hand I've had quite close relationships. I'd do anything for my female friends and they could always rely on me, to the point that sometimes I'd drop everything to help them. I felt needed but also sometimes taken advantage of or simply not appreciated.
Be kind to yourself
When I began my personal development journey last year all the things I've written above became quite obvious. It was like connecting the dots. The deeper down the rabbit hole I went, the more things I unleashed and the more I understood myself and also others. It was as if I was learning not to judge myself so very harshly.
Everything I wrote is true story however to get to the level of awareness that I have now it took simple but deep meditation techniques taught by Ryan Pinnick at SuperGenius workshops and several months of practice. I use a couple of the techniques on daily basis. One I practice to progress with my vision daily, as it gives me more clarity and ideas of how to implement it. It takes about half an hour to an hour every morning. The other one I can use whenever I feel that I am: stressed / anxious / confused / angry /upset and implement within seconds so that I can see the situation from a different perspective and practically neutralise my ego.
Only last week I had a meltdown. I was trying to launch a test website to gain new clients for my business. I kept getting one obstacle after another. If one issue got resolved, it led to another. Eventually my laptop crashed. When I tried to speak to Apple Support, I got disconnected twice. And I lost it. Frustration led to an absolute rage. I was throwing objects, crying and screaming... I was basically acting like a 2 year old. While I am not proud of myself for that, I have enough of self awareness to say that I created it, the whole situation. Even the broken laptop is not a coincidence. I somehow attracted it.
A day later, when I was calmer, through a meditation technique taught by my mentor Ryan I went back to a childhood incident related to the current problem. What came up is actually quite simple. As a 3-year old I was taught how to swim by being thrown into deep water of the Black Sea in Bulgaria. It was under supervision of a family friend who was a lifeguard and apparently knew what he was doing. What became obvious was that when I go for an end result, I often throw myself into a deep water, deep sea. Then I get overwhelmed because I'm scared of "drowning". The end result of it is that I abandon the idea. You can learn how to "float" pretty fast, but learning how to "swim" (e.g. run a business) takes years to master. I was also unconsciously waiting for my dad's acknowledgement and comfort. And that will never happen. Hence the emotion of frustration.
Knowing just that empowered me to know that:
a) Frustration and rage are just part of the process and that's what makes me human. As my mentor would say "When the sh*t hits the fan, you know you're heading in the right direction".
b) I can raise above it and still create my vision, despite all the obstacles.
c) I can stop beating myself up for the flaws and perceived failures.
Through the wound to the light
If you would like to become empowered to the level you have never been before and create a vision true to your heart, despite of your ego, I would like to invite you to the workshop that literally changed my life. You can sign up here for the free preview.
I do realise I am being quite vulnerable in this post. But I am a firm believer of the saying "The truth will set you free". If you want to live in the world of illusion and keep on thinking that things are just happening to you and that's bad luck, go ahead. But if you want to discover your pattern of disfunctional behaviour that leads to compromise and / or self-sabotage, please be my guest and come to the free preview workshop.
Thank you for reading.